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Pavlovate and Getting to Gratitude
* Pavlovate: From Pavlov and salivate. The anticipation response to a signal that precedes a physiological response, e.g. the sound of the grinder produces response of desire for coffee sans the drool.
Getting to Gratitude
Having alone time in the house can’t be beat, and I am glad my husband, Ken, has some when I work on the weekends. In spite of the fact that I enjoy the people I work with lately I notice myself complaining about working on Sundays. When I start complaining about one thing it is usually something else.
I know how to complain, why I complain, and how it works for me. I know I complain to avoid my real feelings, and how to work it through. When the question is: Is it live or is it memory? it’s usually something in my head and I have to access my Memory Folder.
Normal people probably refer to this as memory, but my ADHD requires me to give this cognitive structure a more technical label. Whatever you call it, it’s a pain when stuff get piled up, misfiled or never filed. When I seem scattered I probably am.
Back to the memory. Find the S Folder. Looking for Sunday…Schedule…School …Shoulds…No Sunday folder -must be archived. Since I am here, I look at the “Shoulds” file. Wow. The “should” files used to require a whole cabinet, now it’s down to only one drawer. On the next purge, I just may re-purpose some of them or just rename them. Maybe not. I don’t have to think about that now, I just know I can’t rid of all of my “shoulds.”
Humans need ”shoulds” to keep the species going or to just keep them from running into traffic. Can you imagine an adult with the “shoulds” of an 18 month old? I am reminded of a contrary inmate I interviewed, a 21 year-old father of a three-year-old boy who told me: “I would rather have my son ‘stand up for ‘his self’ than give in, even to me.” Yikes! Babies having babies.
This is what happens to me I start to work on one thing and go off on an tangent; get distracted. Inconsistent routine and fatigue are big contributors. Sundays and “shoulds” are not in the same location in my brain anymore. Years of Sundays are collapsed into abstracts. Caution. Always proceed with caution when reading abstracts. The smaller size can belie the power of the content. Add that to the fact that negative content tends to be much more concentrated; and so reconstitution can be toxic.
I start to overuse metaphors when stuff is not pleasant. I must have gotten too close to toxic content going through abstracts because I randomly think, “ It’s easier to work with the stain of loneliness because you can see it and do something about it.” Man, stain sounds like a laundry problem – and I hate laundry problems. Why am I complaining about laundry? I answer myself, “If loneliness somehow gets woven into the whole of your fabric, it takes much more time to unravel. ” I tell myself this an awful lot of hard work and it seems pointless …isn’t this in the past? Just keep writing through the muck, stop trying to sound smart and get out of that folder!
Is it true that you eventually learn who you are, what to keep and what to discard? Being balanced is an ongoing process. I don’t want to relive feelings of the past; I don’t need to that. I just don’t want to accidentally discard or misplace a good thought that I might need one day – when I am old.
I know it seems like I got distracted from looking for the Sunday folder, but I got to the root of a problem. There it was in a sub file , in the Sunday folder, in the loneliness file, a shared sub file with the Fear Folder: Loneliness on Sunday.
Update the system!
My Sundays are not lonely anymore; they don’t need to be avoided or complained about. Make gratitude the default folder.
This blog was originally posted in 2009 “Brilliant Blither and Blather” Random ideas and stuff I make up.
Earlier, sun was shining on my desk as I wrote my very first bethwords post It was about coffee. Delicious coffee. Maple syrup. Buddy the Elf. ADHD.
I forgot to save it. Looked for a coffee quote. Found out Nora Jones said, “Coffee gives me bad breath.” That sounded right, so copied it to paste into my post, clicked the ” on the tool bar, post disappears.
What! I feel drained. It’s cold and too late in the morning for the sun to still be shining through the window. The coffee and the maple syrup rush is gone.
This sucks, but I know I can’t be the only one this ever happened to. Right?
Write me. Alright? All right.